Breasts

In memory of anyone you know that has
Been struck down by cancer or is still living with it.
A Candle Loses Nothing by Lighting another Candle

Redneck Houseboating

(my future retirement :-)



♪Way down upon the Swanee river, Far, far away,
theres where my heart is turning ever,
theres where the old folks stay. ♫

Father of many

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.' The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.' The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way'

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

#1 Crime and Punishment

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Submitted by Braeden Silvermist

#2 Conflict

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

Submitted by Nancy Gomes

Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

#3 - New Lease on Life ... oops!

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."

Submitted by Hank Chawansky

#4 - Vow of Silence

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."

Submitted by Alan Lynch

#5 - Talking Dog

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale."
Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"

Submitted by Harry Nelson

#6 - Making Sure

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Submitted by Gerald Doka

#7 Power of Perception

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."

Submitted by Debby Carter

#8 Ghostly Music

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What’s going on?" he asks a cemetery worker.
"It’s Beethoven," says the worker. "He’s decomposing."

Submitted by Jeremy Hone

#9 A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

Coffee machine

Funiest jokes #10 - A Dog's Life

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."
"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.
"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."



Submitted by L. B. Weinstein (RD June 2009)

Not a good sign ....

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this......

Just go back in the house,
Pour another cup of coffee,
And stay there.

It probably isn't going to be a good day....

Urgent CDC ALERT..............

Please read as this is very important to your health at multiple levels!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Some Alternative Names for Swine Flu:

(Side note: Who is the guy (or girl) who is visiting my site from Los Angeles? Introduce yourself with a comment ... send me some jokes!)

Sowmenella
Baconic Plague
Aporkalypse
Hamthrax
Pigpox
Epigdemic
Spamthrax
Porkinson's
Hamdemic
SnOutbreak
Swineabifida
Hamaggeddon
Tuporkulosis
Mad Sow Disease
The Other White Flu
Smallporks

Leno on Edwards

Monologue | Aired Wednesday night on NBC:
Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards waiting to watch his wife on “Oprah.”
Well, tomorrow, John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth Edwards, a great woman, is going to be on “Oprah.” How many of you are going to watch that? How many of would you rather see her beat the crap out of her husband on “Jerry Springer”?
They taped the show earlier in the week and they’ve been showing little snippets of it. And when Oprah asks about their marriage, Elizabeth says, “Neither one of us is out the door.” But believe me. One of them is on the couch.
John Edwards did not come off good in this thing. In fact, I understand he’s now looking for a third America to hide out in.

And as if he doesn’t have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here’s my question. Why can’t we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?

The New Wives Store

To avoid gender bias charges, the Husbands store owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.0

Some things never change

Possible beginning of the Swine Flu?

YESSS! I knew it!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, vodka or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of it.

Woman Chased By Bear and Hit by a Car!

...and after escaping death twice in 2 minutes, she gets dissed by this young commentator and future media mogul ...

I found this commentary on Youtube ... this is funny on so many levels...

why does the waitress get more than God?

A little old lady, a home intruder and a misunderstanding over Acts 2:38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture toyou.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

do you tweet?

Semper Fi

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White
House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:
"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

How bad is the economy?

The Economy is South Florida is starting to bottom out -- good thing also, the cats are almost ready to give up while the homeless and the dogs are praying...

Bathroom protocols

Redneck engagment

did you know?

Sneezes travel out of your mouth at over 100 miles an hour.

Mickey Mouse received 800,000 fan letters in 1933.

The dot over the letter "I" is called a tittle.

The garbage disposal was originally called the "Electric Pig."

Ostriches can run up to 70 km/h (43 mph).

a little old lady and horse manure on the carpet

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes Of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' Said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' He said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse Manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure From your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well..... Let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning

Americans are losing their religion

Jay Leno on Monday night.

"You know I saw a new survey that said Americans are losing their religion. I tell ya it is bad when you not only lose your job, but you don’t even have a prayer."

The importance of using the just the right word

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."


All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the
podium. He said, "I'm Tom.."
The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to correct my wife; the word is sternum."

Life in So. Florida

Alligator On Side Of Road Snarls Traffic
9 1/2-Foot Gator Will Be Harvested

POSTED: Tuesday, April 1, 2008
UPDATED: 12:55 pm EDT April 1, 2008

NORTH LAUDERDALE, Fla. -- It's no April Fool's Day joke. An alligator perched on the side of the road caused traffic delays during the Tuesday morning rush hour in North Lauderdale.

The 9 1/2-foot gator was hanging out on the right side of southbound U.S. Highway 441 near the overpass to Florida's Turnpike.

Construction worker Jimmy Sewell was at a job site nearby when he noticed the gator. Sewell said he stopped some children on their bicycles from getting too close to the gator while a co-worker dialed 911.

Hoping to "get lucky"

new urinal art - satisfying at several levels.

save the cockroaches!

Use your brain